The Family Meal

As parents, we all look back on the years we spent raising our children and realize that there are some things we might have done differently or better, and other things we did really well. One of the things I did right was to insist that we eat dinner together as a family almost all of the time. Not only do my kids frequently talk about that experience and how much they enjoyed it now that they are grown, but studies show that it probably had a lot to do with how they turned out as adults.

Studies show that the more a family eats together, the less likely kids are to smoke, drink, take drugs, become depressed, develop eating disorders and commit suicide. Kids who eat with their families are more likely to do well in school, delay having sex, and to consume a better diet overall. I am sure that some of this is attributable to the quality of the food served at the meal, and some to the parenting styles of parents who insist on eating together as a family.

The most comprehensive study on family meals ever performed was published last year by the National Council on Addiction and Substance Abuse and was conducted at Columbia University. Researchers determined that the more a family eats together, the better the experience is likely to be. The older kids get, however, the less likely they are to have meals with parents. The majority of kids 12 years old were eating dinner with a parent seven nights per week, but only 25% of kids 17 years old were.

Interestingly enough, parents with the least amount of education were more likely to eat with their kids - parents with less than a high school education ate with kids more often than parents with high school or college degrees. But regardless of educational levels of parents, kids who share family meals are 40% more likely to get A's and B's than kids who seldom eat with their parents.

There are lots of sociological factors that have contributed to the decline of the family dinner. These include both parents working, kids becoming involved in multiple activities, television, and the availability of fast and convenience foods that have lessened the focus on food preparation and a dinnertime routine.

Additionally, parenting styles have contributed. According to William Doherty, professor at the University of Minnesota, parental leniency has not only eroded the family meal, but caused other problems for kids as well. "We're talking about a contemporary style of parenting, particularly middle class, that is overindulgent of children. It treats them as customers who need to be pleased." He refers to the propensity of parents to let kids eat what they want, leave the TV on during meals, take food to their rooms and Instant Message their friends at the dinner table. This serves to encourage the eating of more junk food, and keeps kids from learning about and trying healthier foods.

When kids eat with their families, they learn that participation in a family entails certain rules and standards, and is about more than themselves and their likes and dislikes. Discussion while eating allows the family to build a culture, and for the world to be viewed through the filter of that culture. In other words, this is a way to influence your children on a regular basis.

For parents who say that their older kids don't want to or won't eat dinner with them, the statistics prove otherwise. The study showed that the majority of teens who ate dinner with their families 3 times or fewer per week wished that they did so more often. Miriam Weinstein, a freelance journalist, commented, "We've sold ourselves on the idea that teenagers are obviously sick of their families and that they're bonded to their peer group. We've taken it to an extreme and taken it to mean that a teenager has no need for his family. And that's just not true." She goes on to say that busy parents would be better off spending dinner time with their kids and promoting fewer extracurricular activities.

I can speak from experience on this one. Again, my kids have fond memories of dinner time together. But, we had a steady stream of their friends who chose to eat at our home because we ate as a family and they wanted to be part of one. And, this continued even after the household became predominantly vegetarian. These kids were willing to eat eggplant and couscous in order to have some connection to family.

Unfortunately, there are still too many parents who are forgoing the family meal in favor of running kids around from activity to activity, picking up fast food on the run, and other reasons. The evidence is clear that kids would rather be with their parents more often than play soccer. And, the dinner table is a key opportunity to have a positive influence on kids.